Salutations! My name is Sir Miles Rugburn: businessman, journalist, novelist, falconer, scotch-enthusiast, attorney, witch doctor, filmmaker, singer, King of The First Men, and above all: a lover. Since 1844, I have lived an exciting and romantic life and I now wish to share my knowledge of romance with you all. Send me your questions, and I will share with you my ways.
Dear Sir Miles, There is a cute girl that sits near me in one of my classes, we talk once in a while but I don’t know how to approach her about going on a date. I don’t want to make things awkward between us, how would you approach this situation?
Sincerely,
A very sprung Derek S. McClain
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Oh my dear Derek, if I had a nickel for every time I fell for a lady, I could buy Alaska and sell it back to the Russians. What you must do to avoid this awkwardness, is to bypass her directly. Go to her father instead, give him a firm handshake and offer him a yoke of oxen. Since 1877, I have made a point to purchase oxen in the hopes that I may trade them to a woman’s father, so that I may win her hand. Once he accepts your offer (anything less than five oxen simply will not do), you legally retain romantic rights to his daughter. Now of course, you may say that this is wildly inappropriate and offensive to your lady, In which case, I thank you; I believe this to be a grand idea as well.
Yours in friendship, Sir Miles Rugburn Dear Sir Miles, I feel like these past six months have been going well, but I feel like my girl is going to ghost me.What do I do?
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Oh how I miss my ex wives (and yes, you too, Sergei.)
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Be one with nature, as you would with a lover.
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My God! That is simply awful my friend, I am truly sorry. That is nothing less than fiddle-faddle! I do not believe conjuring spirits has any place in courting a man or woman. I am truly flabbergasted to hear this. I recall my sixth wife, Gertrude attempted to ghost me once. She was angered after she found a few of my old oil paintings of my first wife Adeline. I swore to her that it meant nothing but she would not have it. Naturally, she commissioned the local witch-doctor to place a curse on me. Thankfully, the man was a third rate witch-doctor and the curse was not so effective (however, to this day, I have a deep fear of cilantro). Now, what you must do is call the appropriate authorities and have her committed to your local sanatorium. A good lobotomy will do her well, just as it did for my beloved Gertrude, before I left her for my fourth wife, of course. Good luck you to you my good man!
Yours in friendship, Sir Miles Rugburn |
Dear Sir Miles, I’ve been out of a job for over six months, is it appropriate to ask to go Dutch?
Sincerely,
A guy with a Philosophy Degree
P.S. I’m 28.
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I can understand that times are tough my good man, but I fail to see how sleeping with your lady-love’s mother is going to solve your financial woes. Will she be paying you for the lovemaking? I suppose that would alleviate your troubles for a moment; however, I presume your woman will find this to be displeasing. I believe you should find a trade, perhaps dabble in bare knuckle brawling if you can. I was told recently of a company named Uber that is always hiring, although I am not sure how good your German is. Focus on what you want to do in life and then do it. However, sleeping with your woman’s mother will mostly likely not solve your financial issues, so I say no, do not go Dutch. I try not to listen to the Dutch anyway, everything they say is pure claptrap.
Yours in friendship, Sir Miles Rugburn Dear Sir Miles, my fiancé and I are planning our wedding and keep getting into arguments over the smallest things. We dated for three years before getting engaged, and never got into as many disagreements as we do now. Is this a sign of future problems in our relationship or just pre-wedding stress (God knows that gay weddings are a lot of work)?
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Romance, humility, and the written word. All things Sir Miles Rugburn has mastered.
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This is perfectly natural my good man. My third wife and I had the same issues. I remember her being infuriated by my every action; whether it was asking about the seating arrangements, suggesting the music to be played, or sleeping with her sister. Her ire was constant, but we eventually had the gayest wedding one could ever imagine. It was truly gay. I could say without hesitation that it was the gayest time of all. I had a gay time. She had a gay time. Her sister had a gay time. Weddings should always be gay. Her pre-wedding madness is only temporary. Do not worry yourself over this piffle. All will be well once the wedding arrives. Good luck to you and your woman, my friend. I wish you the best of luck.
Yours in friendship,
Sir Miles Rugburn
Yours in friendship,
Sir Miles Rugburn
Dear Sir Miles, I feel that talking to women just isn’t the same as it once was. How does one actually court a woman these days?
Best,
A man who's tired of Tinder
Tending to my garden...before tending to the Princess of Monaco.
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I have been courting women since the 1800s, and I can tell you that it is no easy feat. Yet, it is one that should be worked on by all men. Firstly, you must always be confident. Always. Walk about as if you own the place. In fact, actually own the place that you are walking through. Borrow a small loan of one-million dollars from you father, invest it in camel-milk, watch your riches grow and just buy everything. Money should be no object when courting a woman. I know it was not for me, each time I courted one of my eight wives. Secondly, perform grand romantic gestures. Nothing compares to the look on a woman’s face after you have performed a grand romantic gesture to win her heart. Of course, you must always be cautious when doing so, and I would not suggest doing anything with zeppelins (I will never forgive myself for the Hindenburg). Lastly, focus on the little things. Compliment your woman. Do not sleep with her sister. Buy her flowers. Do not lose her dog in a poker match. These are all simple things I know you are capable of accomplishing. Good luck to you my friend.
Yours in friendship, Sir Miles Rugburn |
Send Sir Miles your questions here.
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